New Policy From HR

Sorry people, this went into the wrong forum...still navigating myself around the site...



STAFF

Please be advised that the following are new rules and regulations
implemented to raise the efficiency of our company.

ATTIRE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are
doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, and therefore you do
not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to
be and therefore do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they
can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes
for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take
a diet pill.

SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three mintues, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders"
category.

SURGERY:

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should
not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something
removed constitues a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
postitive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, allegations,
accusations and input should be directed to the State Unemployment Offices.

Have a Nice Day,

Human Resources Dept.