Beware of the Guide Dog

[kcmandava]

Bill Gates...


Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry
with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we
would all be driving twenty-five-dollar cars that get
1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued
a press release stating: If GM had developed
technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you
would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for
no reason, and you would just accept this, restart,
and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left
turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to
to restart, in which case you would have to re-install
the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless
you bought "Car98", or "CarNT". However, even then you
would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy
to drive, but would only run on 5 percent of the
roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning
lights would be replaced by a single "general car
default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same
size butt.

9. The airbag system would ask "Are You Sure?" before
going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car
would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key,
and grabbed a hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a
deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, (now a GM
subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor
wanted them. Attempting to delete this option would
immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by
50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target
for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers
would have to learn how to drive all over again
because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.

[kcmandava]

Programmer's Translation



1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED...
We are still pissing in the wind.

2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON
A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM...
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION...
We know who to blame.

4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH...
It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED...
We are so far behind schedule the customer
is happy to get it delivered.

6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE...
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING...
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.


8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED...
The only person who understood the thing quit.

9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS...
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT...
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL...
Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING...
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it
doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION...
I can't wait to hear this bull!

14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS...
Come into my office, I'm lonely.

15. ALL NEW...
Code not interchangeable with the previous design.

16. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT...It finally worked!

17. LOW MAINTENANCE...
Impos sible to fix if broken.

[kcmandava]

Top 10 Signs You've Got A Bad ISP...

1.Their company logo is two tin cans and a length of string.

2.You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a Compaq
portable and an acoustic coupler.

3. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.

4. Their proud boast: "We've been on the Internet since it was CB radio."

5. Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway"
in the same sentence.

6. You order an SLIPPP connection, email, and 2MB of server space for
your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks,
"Would you like fries with that?"

7. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."

8. "Access speeds up to 9,600 BPS in most areas."

9. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on the street corner.

10. They charge for e-mail and downloads by the word.

[kcmandava]

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight.

Q: How many Management Information Services guys does it take to change a light bulb?

A: MIS (IT) has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request number 359712. Please use this number for any future references to the light-bulb issue.

[kcmandava]

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.



How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs,
so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we
need a Constitutional amendment.
A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle
screwing one extra lightbulb.


Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Less and less all the time.


Q: How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential
candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?


Q: How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb?
A: 220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is
actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates
can't even spell "lightbulb", eighteen to find out what the other
candidates did when the lightbulb failed, and another two hundred to find
out what the other candidate's families think about lightbulbs, bulbs,
pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.


Q: How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.

[kcmandava]

When you rearrange the letters:

Dormitory >>>>>> Dirty Room

Evangelist >>>>>> Evil's Agent

Desperation >>>>>> A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code >>>>>> Here Come Dots

Slot Machines >>>>>> Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity >>>>>> Is No Amity

Mother-in-law >>>>>> Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms >>>>>> Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness >>>>>>Genuine Class

Semolina >>>>>> Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries >>>>>> Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point >>>>>> I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes >>>>>> That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two >>>>>> Twelve plus one

[kcmandava]

An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A British doctor says: "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

A Zimbabwean doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You We took a man with no brain - made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.

[kcmandava]

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.

He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister and seeing the severe pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do him, Doctor?"

"It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

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[kcmandava]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Jaguar when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his garage.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the Jaguar. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

[kcmandava]

n Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems...

Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and
then a £10 note appears. "This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor.
"What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly,dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash £1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit", says the Irishman.....

Wait for it...

I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."