Beware of the Guide Dog

[kcmandava]

"We will not have him put down. Lucky is basically a damn good guide dog," Ernst Gerber, a dog trainer from Wuppertal told reporters. "He just needs a little brush-up on some elementary skills, that's all."
Gerber admitted to the press conference that Lucky, a German shepherd guide-dog for the blind, had so far been responsible for the deaths of all four of his previous owners.

"I admit it's not an impressive record on paper. He led his first owner in front of a bus, and the second off the end of a pier. He actually pushed his third owner off a railway platform just as the Cologne to Frankfurt express was approaching and he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, before abandoning him and running away to safety. But,apart from epileptic fits, he has a lovely temperament. And guide dogs are difficult to train these days."

Asked if Lucky's fifth owner would be told about his previous record, Gerber replied: "No. It would make them nervous, and would make Lucky nervous. And when Lucky gets nervous he's liable to do something silly."

[kcmandava]

Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[kcmandava]

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?


"How many can you afford?"

It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.

Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting
by standing up and shouting "Objection!"

Three. One to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.

Three. One to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the
ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

Three. One to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying
power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb
burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired
the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.

Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object,
one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter,
one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one
to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to
change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, lawyers only screw us.

[kcmandava]

Lawyer Speak !

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"


When the man in the street says: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," the lawyer writes: "Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."

[kcmandava]

That's Unfair !

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by
the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw
a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair !" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and
that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up!"
barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you
to question that woman's punishment?"

[kcmandava]

Mexican Bandit


A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina."What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Screw you, Asshole. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

[kcmandava]

Warning Signs that you Might Need a New Lawyer




He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.

When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

He tells you that he has never told a lie.

A big sign in his office says: "Don't ask me."

His Law Firm is "Dewey, Cheathm & How!"

He asks the Judge, "How is your wife and my kids?"

A prison guard is shaving your head.

[kcmandava]

Where's My Rolex???!!!!!


A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

[kcmandava]

More...Lawyer Quickies
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. Good!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dung?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Heck, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q:Where can you find a good lawyer?
A:In the city morgue.

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!". The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spread sheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scoffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whore house." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

[kcmandava]

Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job. As part of the job interview each was asked why she wanted the job. Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and justice. When it was her turn, Sally simply opened her purse, took out a rather thin wallet and laid it on the senior partner's desk. "I want to fatten it up as fast as possible," she said. Sally got the job. "Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.



A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he made his selection, the stone cutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put 'here lies an honest lawyer.'" " But that won't let people know who it is," protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. " People will read it and exclaim "That's Strange!"



On visiting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible " What are you doing?" asked the friend. "Looking for loopholes," replied the lawyer.



Two probate lawyers were overheard while discussing a current case: It's such a splendid estate. What a shame to squander it on the beneficiaries.



Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they
cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.



A lawyer lies dying, has his partner of 40 years by his bedside. "Jack, I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I'm the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a decade." "Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."



A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.



A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back and neck. The lawyer turns around and yells at the person behind him, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" The man behind him says, "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." To that the lawyer replies, "Well, I'm a lawyer, and you don't see me fucking the guy in front of me, do you?"



Two lawyers were walking down the street once and this fine woman passed them. One lawyer said, "I'd really like to screw her!" Then the other lawyer said, "Out of what?"



Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other." " Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.



For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."



A Hindi priest, a Muslim priest, and a lawyer are traveling across the country together. In the middle of Kansas, their car breaks down, so they push it to the nearest farm to fix it, but it gets dark by then. They ask the farmer if they can spend the night, and he says, 'Yup. We gots us a guest bed that will hold two of yer, but one of y'uall gonna have to sleep in the barn.' The travelers agree to this and the Hindi volunteers to sleep in the barn. The lawyer and the Muslim go up to the guest room and start to get ready for bed, but five minutes later, they hear a knock on the door. Its the Hindu, who says, 'Guys, I was lying down to go to sleep, but then I see this cow near me, and my religion won't allow me to sleep under the same roof as a cow.' The Muslim understands, so he volunteers, but five minutes later, when the Hindi and lawyer are getting ready for bed, there's another knock on the door. It's the Muslim, and he says, 'Hey, I'm truly sorry, but I was going to sleep when this pig started oinking near me, and my religion won't let me sleep near a pig.' The lawyer finally agrees to sleep in the barn, although a little reluctantly. Five minutes later, there's another knock on the door. It's the cow and pig.



A bus load of Lawyers is traveling down a deserted road. Suddenly it swerves into a field and hits a tree, and catches fire. The owner of the field, a farmer, run up, surveys the scene, and buries all the lawyers. A week later, two policemen are traveling down that same road and notice the wreckage. They run up to the house and ask what happened. "A busload of lawyers crashed into the tree and the bus caught fire" replied the farmer. "But what happened to all the lawyers?!" asked the policeman. "I buried them," The farmer said. "They were all dead?" cried the officer. "Some of them said they weren't," replied the farmer, "but you know that lawyers are very good at lying."



A lawyer passes away and being the worst in his defense to his clients ends up at Satan's door, upon his arrival he was greeted by Satan himself, looking at Satan he asks, "why am I here?" Satan replies, "do you remember all the people you misrepresented and still took their money", though quite stunned the lawyer answers "well, yes ok so", well Satan adds "don't worry it will be fun here." "And how so," the lawyer asks. Satan replies "you look like a man who likes to have fun, right?" "Yes" he answers. "well we have daily scheduled events Monday through Friday. Mondays everyone gets to eat all kinds of food and you like that?" "Yes" he answers. "Tuesdays everyone drinks what ever they like no limit," the lawyer looks amazed, and can not believe he is in hell. So Satan adds "do you like women?" The attorney says "why hell yes." "Well then your going to love Wednesdays" he adds, "see not so bad so far. Well now for Thursday we offer a repeat of any of the previous days activities and you get to choose which day to repeat," "WOW," exclaimed the shocked attorney, finally Satan asks now for Fridays, "oh by the way, you wouldn't happen be gay would you?" The stunned attorney said "No!" Satan says "oh too bad your going to hate Fridays."



A drunk stands up in a bar and shouts, "All Lawyers are scum bags". Another drunk stands up and yells, "Hey, I resent that remark". The first drunk yells. "Why are you a lawyer". "No", said the second drunk, "I'm a scumbag".



A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"



A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.